Fear

I'm totally and irrationally scared of spiders. Utterly terrified. To my horror I came across one the other day that put up a fight when I tried to suck it up the hoover (please spare me the stories of what happens when you do that, I've already had nightmares about it).

I've tried analysing this fear. I think what gets me is the movement. There's something about seeing them move fast in my peripheral vision that sends my flight senses into total overdrive. My heart pounds, I get shivers down my spine, there's a huge adrenaline dump in my brain and usually I jump about ten feet in the air. There have been childhood moments, I grew up in an old cob house and the place was rife with them, big black house spiders. We also had an impressive brown seventies carpet with a geometric pattern all over it and sometimes I would catch a glimpse as they ran, and then they would simple disappear in the camouflage the dark patterns.

Maybe it's a childhood trauma thing, but I do know that it's a real fear reaction, and one that I struggle to face.

But fear is like that. It's paralysing. It keeps us bound. Fear of what people will think. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being wrong or making mistakes. Fear of how other people will behave.

I'm learning to let go of fear.

I'm still not good with heights, my stomach somersaults and the world turns upside down and I feel like I have to sit down or I'm going to fall off...even if I'm stood something solid.
But I'm learning to let go of being scared and worried about what people think. I'm beginning to realise that I am so much more capable than I had believed in the past.

I'm learning that the only thing that I'm in control of is me and my reactions to things. I'm learning that if I feel something is the right decision then it probably is and I don't have to analyse everything so deeply, with every scenario planned out. I have hit incredibly dark moments, engulfed in confusion and despair and come out the other side...the unknown holds much less fear for me now.

A friend of mine told me recently "You can plan everything to the Nth degree but the reality is that the outcome with probably happen in a way that you had never even considered would be an option!"

So, I may not be able to overcome my spider phobia, but I can choose to think about how i respond when that knot tightens in my stomach and I break into a cold sweat.

Step by step I will leave fear far behind.

Dressing up!

One of the things that I have realised as a result of my life completely changing direction recently, is just how much time I spent trying to grow up fast. I think I was imagining that life would be so much more fulfilling and complete once I was out of my teens and married. 

I forgot to do the things that make me happy. Forgot to find out who "me" really is.

Let me give you an example. I'm using this as an example because when i told some of my married mum friends about this a few days ago, they looked at me like I was nuts. Or having some kind of premature mid-life crisis or something. My fabulous friend is having a joint birthday part and the invite says  "come as your favourite disney character"! I have discovered just how much I love dressing up! I love making costumes and wearing them. 

Sure, I went through my goth phase at college (and never really got past it, in all truth),  but this is more. This is about wearing crazy stuff that I could never where every day (because corsets and cycling really don't mix well) and really enjoying myself.  I wonder whether this is about lost childhood or discovering the fun side of being an adult. Have I regressed or progressed?

Is there a reason that we feel we can't indulge in things we really desire to do. Is something being considered "childish" really a reason to dismiss it? In the same way that adult colouring has made a massive resurgence - Johanna Basford's latest book sold 55,000 copies in it's first week of release alone - could there other aspects of our lives that we've banished to the closets of a childhood long forgotten? For example, we've become very quick to dismiss those who attend comic conventions or play online RPG's to the realms of geeks or nerds who, in our heads, wouldn't look out of place in The Big Bang Theory but perhaps we're missing a trick...

There is a wealth of evidence to suggest that belonging to a community, be it faith, sporting, artistic or a hobby, feeling part of something and that others are with you and that your passions are validated, has a hugely positive effect on our mindsets. Maybe as adults we need to open our minds a bit more what those communities might look like...a hobby and a community could be the very thing that will help you feel rejuvenated, less stressed and burned out.

Back to the party - I'm lucky that my darling man has gotten as much into the spirit of this as I have. We're not doing the conventional. So steampunk, slightly grungy Cinderella and Prince Charming is where we're pitching it. So excited! My fabric has arrived and I've been scouring Pinterest for ideas. Just hoping it's going to turn out vaguely decent. But my man is going to look awesome, that much I do know.

Will post pictures when it's finished :-)
Ax

A change of focus

When I started my first blog it was intended to be a platform for me to share artwork, inspirations and ideas. If I'm honest I found it hard to keep focus. I had hoped that it would serve to keep pushing me to make art but alas, life is busy, full of work and small children, the time and space to create is often limited. 

More and more I find myself wanting and needing to write. Feeling a draw to put words to my inner thoughts, to the things that perplex me and to mark the things I'm grateful for, the joys of life, the craziness of my children and the wonders of love. I want this to be that bit more personal.

So, rather than change my initial blog I have decided to start over, to begin anew with fresh intent.

I hope to make you smile. I hope you will be challenged, moved, inspired and encouraged and that we can share some of the joys of life together.


Ax