Fear

I'm totally and irrationally scared of spiders. Utterly terrified. To my horror I came across one the other day that put up a fight when I tried to suck it up the hoover (please spare me the stories of what happens when you do that, I've already had nightmares about it).

I've tried analysing this fear. I think what gets me is the movement. There's something about seeing them move fast in my peripheral vision that sends my flight senses into total overdrive. My heart pounds, I get shivers down my spine, there's a huge adrenaline dump in my brain and usually I jump about ten feet in the air. There have been childhood moments, I grew up in an old cob house and the place was rife with them, big black house spiders. We also had an impressive brown seventies carpet with a geometric pattern all over it and sometimes I would catch a glimpse as they ran, and then they would simple disappear in the camouflage the dark patterns.

Maybe it's a childhood trauma thing, but I do know that it's a real fear reaction, and one that I struggle to face.

But fear is like that. It's paralysing. It keeps us bound. Fear of what people will think. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being wrong or making mistakes. Fear of how other people will behave.

I'm learning to let go of fear.

I'm still not good with heights, my stomach somersaults and the world turns upside down and I feel like I have to sit down or I'm going to fall off...even if I'm stood something solid.
But I'm learning to let go of being scared and worried about what people think. I'm beginning to realise that I am so much more capable than I had believed in the past.

I'm learning that the only thing that I'm in control of is me and my reactions to things. I'm learning that if I feel something is the right decision then it probably is and I don't have to analyse everything so deeply, with every scenario planned out. I have hit incredibly dark moments, engulfed in confusion and despair and come out the other side...the unknown holds much less fear for me now.

A friend of mine told me recently "You can plan everything to the Nth degree but the reality is that the outcome with probably happen in a way that you had never even considered would be an option!"

So, I may not be able to overcome my spider phobia, but I can choose to think about how i respond when that knot tightens in my stomach and I break into a cold sweat.

Step by step I will leave fear far behind.