All out of sorts

I've had one of those moments this week when I've had to do some quite deep self analysis. It's not something I'm very fond of doing because the reflection staring back at me usually has something quite damning to say, but hey, I guess we're all our own worst critics.

But this week I realised how I really struggle when I'm not in my own bubble, in control of my day, my routine and having the next week planned out in my head. You see, with having a long distance relationship, three mad girls to look after, a house and a job, there are at least three trains of thought going on in my head at any one time - if not, more. Most of the time it just works, I'm in my own space, my brain goes over what's happening the next day or so before I go to sleep and the equilibrium is contained.

But I realise, much to my horror, that when I'm not in my own space, when perhaps someone else is calling those shots and can change the plan at the drop of a hat, my brain goes into meltdown and I really struggle to find the balance in my own mind again.
But what is absolutely ridiculous is the emotional reaction this generates in me...I'm actually quite ashamed of it.

Usually, the cause is not really anything that affects my world that dramatically. But I'm honestly quite scared by my own need for control, even if it's only internal and not about controlling people around me. My own brain screams "But you didn't tell me that! What am i meant to do with the virtual timeline in my head now, how do I restore the equilibrium?!?" Sometimes it screams in the voice of a petulant child, that really is disturbing!

To be fair, when this happened this week I was completely outside of my own space and although I sort of think that should mean it matters less but I think it was all just a bit overwhelming.

But I don't want to be a control freak, even in my own head. While my world requires organisation, forward planning and strategy just to get the girls to school on time, I really don't want this need to have the day so strictly planned out to turn me into a monster of inflexibility and stroppiness when it doesn't go the way I had intended!

I really need to work on this...